I recently signed up to become an Austin Examiner (examiner.com/austin), incidentally a Bar Examiner, where I pretty much get paid to write about bars. Wow. A real jump in life. But this way I can tell my parents I am supposed to be the at the bar. When my mom calls and is all, "What the hell, Brynnan, what are you doing at a bar at eleven AM?!", I can say it's because I'm making a living. And only getting paid, that is, depending on how often I decide to write something and how often you people read my stuff.
So be prepared, dear blog fans (I think there's at least twelve of you now), to be hammered with threatening e-mails and cluttered Facebook walls with my articles/reviews. Because if you can read to help me make money, I don't see why the hell you wouldn't. Oh, and if you could go to the Public Library and read the same article from every IP address, that would help a lot too.
So now the question is, how the shit do I get this ball rolling. I could start with all the bars that are on my regular playlist, but that seems too boring. So I thought I would start with a Top Five List? People love Top Five/Top Ten Lists. Dave Letterman? Who doesn't adore Dave? Cosmo's Top Five Things You Didn't Know Before This Issue? Classic. And the only part of the Cosmopolitan I read because for some reason I have a subscription to that magazine, that and Seventeen, which is incredibly embarrassing, mostly because my name is right there on the cover. Might as well say: "Brynnan's Seventeen Magazine Even Though She's Twenty-Six," and then the Postman rings his ice cream truck bell and the whole neighborhood turns out to see who in this world still receives Seventeen Magazine. It gets weird.
So. Instead of beginning my Examiner career as soon as possible, which the Examiner urged me to begin immediately, I wanted to write on my own blog first. So, ha! Examiner.
The Top Four Reasons People Love Top Five Lists
Because I couldn't come up with five...
4. Organization. People love it. It gets people out of bed in the morning. My Dad has lists going out the wazoo. On a yellow pad that no one has ever been allowed to write on except the oldest cousin Jamie who everyone thought was going to get a whipping for, but Dad just laughed and marked something off his list... ("Made a list today, check."). Chronology is almost as amazing as alphabetizing something. Except with numbers instead of letters. And it's easier because most of us have to recite the alphabet song in our heads before we decide if N comes before or after P, right? Numbers are so much more logical, and the same everywhere. I think. And counting down is truly exhilarating. The anticipation of what the number one spot will be is almost too much. Which is why I don't have cable anymore. VH1 really knows how to wear something out.
3. Bold Letters. Don't want to read the rest of this paragraph? No problem, you already know what I'm going to say, it's right there in the bold heading. Skimming is imperative in Top Five Lists.
2. People Love to be Told What's Good and Right with the World. Top Anything has to be good. It's at the top! "Top Five Bars in Austin"? This is going to be great! I can't wait to read about something positive and wonderful in the world! "Top Ten Ways to Make an Ass of Yourself"? Right on! "Top Five Reasons Why You Should Adopt this Dying Species"? Okay, but a little less cozy than I like to feel while reading Top Five Things. "Top Two Reasons Your Uncle Killed Himself"? Well, it doesn't work every time.
1. Another Complete and Total Waste of Your Time Online. Get a job, Keith.
