Your Guide to Surviving Summer with No A/C.

It is my personal conviction that flaming heat is better than ice cold. I would rather be pouring sweat than in a sweater. Cold sucks. A lot. It makes me shiver and say weird things out loud. Things like "hebushineeene" and "sheeshimoag." Cold weather Tourette's, if you will.

But whatever. I live in Texas, so rarely anyone has to hear these inaudible utterances. Plus, I pretty much stay huddled at Donn's Depot when it's freezing outside because they have a really rad and what I guess is really old heater.

Moving on...

My car doesn't have a working air conditioner. My freaking car. Old Blue. The old money pit. The old pain in my ass. I only spend more money on rent and Taco Bell. She demands something new every time I turn around! "I need gas!" and "Change my oil!" and "Clean my windshield!"

UGGGGGHHHHH.

She's ridiculous. High Maintenance Bitch, is what I call her. Who has the time!?!?

Her latest shenanigan is her fuel pump. She actually thinks a new fuel pump is in order so that gasoline gets into the engine from the fuel tank... the audacity. So every time I try to crank her, she makes this embarrassing scene where I crank and crank and crank and nothing happens. So I'm just sitting there, at 7-11, clutching a chimichanga, screaming at my ignition, looking like a real dumbass.

And then the a/c. Right smack in the middle of May she chokes on me. And it got pretty hot in May. And I was like, "Okay, I guess I should have someone look at this fuel pump and a/c disaster." And the mechanic was all, "Yep, it's gonna cost you one arm and ohhhh, better throw in one leg." So I tuned out and started playing with all the keys that were beside his desk and pointing at pictures and asking who was this? and was he really a granddad? because he looked so young. Bald, but young. Then he asked me if I wanted to fix my piece of crap car in exchange for monetary transaction and I was like, "no."

So. Here is how you survive summer in Texas with a piece of shit car and no a/c. (And God willing the fuel pump doesn't actually go out when you're driving to San Antonio one day.)

-Always keep an extra change of clothes in the car.

Indubitably, your ass is going to sweat. off. Right off. Your arms are going to sweat in that elbow fold while you're driving, unless you drive with your arms straight out like Cruella deVille. Actually, that might help. Consider adding that to the guide. There will be sweat coming down your neck and into your shirt and Good Lord, the back sweat, it's insane. So upon making your arrival to let's say, Important Job Interview, and your ass looks like you just jumped rope in the attic, your extra change of clothes will come in handy. I would suggest traveling in a tank top but sunburn will become an issue (travel with SPF 97). I think maybe a light flowing top. Which brings us to the next point in where clothing is also key.

-Utilize body position/clothing.

So, you are rolling down the road, windows down, thighs on fire, leaning kind of forward to decrease back heat, and you stick your hand out the window and lo! A cool breeze of air comes through your shirt sleeve and into the blazing underneaths of your wardrobe. If positioned correctly, your hand can actually increase the flow of wind into the parts of your body that need relief. Ie: If you are wearing the suggested clothing for Traveling in Hell, your billowy top will give way to the current, and relieve your armpit, chest and stomach from the insane temperature that has built over the two hours your car was festering in the Target parking lot. Unfortunately, only one side of your body will feel any sort of relief. But on the up side, people won't wonder what the hell you are doing because you'll just look like you're doing that whole "enjoying the day, wind surfing with my hand" routine. Fellow drivers-by will nod and smile to you in passing whilst doing the same, but while they think you are singing lyrics to a song, really you'll be mouthing "HELP ME."

-Hydrate.

No bottle of Dasani will suffice here, people. We're talking sweltering, miserable, your dog will die if you leave him in your car, heat here. That pathetic bottle of water is going to be boiling lava hot within about fifteen minutes. In which time you can't even drive home in traffic in this discombobulated cluster the City of Austin calls roadways. Get a thermos. A good one. And I don't really know how to distinguish a good thermos from a bad thermos but I feel like it's important. Water is going to be key. Especially if you're traveling extended amounts of time. Granted, you will be going (hopefully) 70-75 MPH, which will ultimately make for a more pleasant drive, but on the road for two hours with no cold air and no water, you might as well drive off an embankment and hope for death on impact.

-Avoid contact

With anything. Other humans (holding hands is out, plus who in God's name is going to get in that hot box with you?). Don't put your arm on the console, it will literally burn the hair off your arm. And try to avoid putting on your seatbelt as long as possible. A hot strap belting you into your untimely death by melting? Count me out. If you are in a wreck and you have followed my instructions and are not wearing a safety harness, don't fret; your body will probably have turned to jelly now and the catapult from car to asphalt will feel much less injurious. And now that your car is most definitely totaled, you can finally get a new one.