More Tales from the Crypt

Just a little peek into the life of a single gal in the great city of Austin...

"Dating"

...

Ughhh.

I can't convey to you the sheer and utter disappointment that is probably spread all over my face at the time of these activities. I loathe first dates. Might as well bring your pen and Big Chief pad and take notes like you're at a job interview: "Hold the phone! You moved how many times in '98?"

While every date is not a Greek tragedy, I've been on some that are notttt sooo great.

The "Anti-Everything" Guy. This guy hated everything and everyone. The entire date was all about how much smarter he was than me; how his ten dollar words beat my sad eight dollar ones, how many allusions about politics and French literature he could pack into one story, and how he had been pulled over for speeding once but was taken in for being a smart ass and corrected the officer later at the station for not being read his Miranda Rights and got off the hook because he was sooo much smarter than the stupid cop. Fun things like this. Anti-establishment, anti-technology, anti-religion, anti-pets. All the while I'm sitting there, stuffing my face with sushi, wondering, "So why is this guy even wearing his cute little leisure suit? Isn't that supporting the part of society that condones the idea that we clothe our naked bodies? Shed those rags of establishment and let's see what you're hiding under that sorry attitude of yours." But we all know what that is. He probably rode his skateboard home, drank four beers and passed out feeling superior than everyone else in the world.

The "Karaoke" Guy. Wow, people. If you thought that 275 pound men weren't sensitive and knew how to hold their booze, you were dead wrong. You can't make this stuff up. Please, future husband of mine, don't let me out drink you. And for the love of God, either sing well or don't sing at all. Unless, of course, you know you're terrible, and then it's just charming. Good grief. This guy literally begged me to go to the karaoke bar with him. I was all, "Um, okay, whatever floats your boat," and then he's not even any good! What the hell!? Then, not only did he get hammered from three beers and a shot, he proceeds to tell me how the movie "Up" brought him to uncontrollable tears. Wow. I thought about afterward making him a list inscribed "Shit You Should Not Do/Tell a Woman on Your First Date."

And just to name a few more...

The "Let's Talk About Me!" Guy. I'd rather talk about Taylor Swift's most recent breakup.

The "This Isn't Really a Date" Guy. Really? Didn't we communicate beforehand and set up a time and a date for said event? "I'd like to see you again..." trying my best not to frighten him away, "maybe you can pencil me in?"

The "Challenge Everything I Say" Guy. I understand you don't agree with hunting innocent animals and eating them for sustenance, how did you order your steak prepared again?

I've been out with men who disappeared for thirty minutes or more, some who would not open doors for me, and while these days I try and keep it fair and pay for my share in the tab, some men haven't even offered. Guess I'm just old fashioned... I'm also picky as hell. I recently went out with a guy who had all kinds of qualifications except one silly little thing. I also couldn't put my finger on the silly whatever it was, but I know it was there. Mom would say, "go with your gut."

She also yells, every time as I'm leaving her house, "Be particular!"

And I am.