Why I would rather just sit and drink on a boat instead of do anything behind one

I'm going to tell a story. It's about me. Surprise!

Once upon a time, four country gals from Hamilton County packed their bags and headed to Destin, Florida as a graduation gift. And in the beautiful little city, they mostly just layed on the beach and chased sea gulls and got stung by a shit-ton of jelly fish and talked about guys they were dating and what they were going to do in college the next year and so on and so on.

One day, one of the girls, probably the cute little blonde one, had the amazing idea of going parasailing. Me, who is leary of lighting a gas heater, sitting too long in the garage with the car on, and little children teetering on precarious perches, declined the offer. No freaking thanks, I don't want to be strung from a rope 75,000 feet in the air behind a moving motor vehicle with nothing but The Gulf of Mexico underneath me. But to my friends, this idea sounds exciting, thrilling, nothing short of wonderful.

My stupid, stupid friends.

So, we dye my hair blonde that night and the next day head out to find some dudes wearing Bob Marley shirts who can take us parasailing.

So, just to give you an idea, this is what parasailing is meant to look like...

It did not go as anticipated.

I am strapped in the apparatus with two other gals, one of them my long time friend and the third, the ten-year-old sister of my other friend, her mother downing margaritas on the beach as she watches the horror that is soon to unfold.

We get strapped in and are hoisted into the air off the back of the boat and things are going swimmingly and it's actually quite nice. The view is beautiful and the ocean is spectacular to see from so high up. I'm having fun and have put any precautions or fears aside. Then suddenly, we hear a snap. And not just like you snapped your fingers snap, I mean a cable snap, as in one of the cables that has us suspended into the air has snapped. And it's loud. And insanely frightening. But we seem to still be safe in the air and still attached to the boat, so things seem okay. And then, without warning from our fair boat captains, we begin to lose altitude, and my friends and I are plummeted into the ocean, all the while still being pulled by the boat, which is probably going about 20 miles per hour.

This part is not fun. I immediately regret the series of events that led up to me being drug behind a boat at 20 miles per hour. And what's this? My bathing suit bottoms are coming off. And now we are being shot back up into the air. Hundreds of feet into the air. And as we are plummeted back into the water a second time and shot back into the air a second time, I come out of my harness.

The pathetic ribbon of a strap that is meant to be under my butt has naturally, during the course of water engulfing us, come out from underneath me and I am dangling from the thing, held in only by something under my armpits and the upper-arm strength of a teenage girl. Now, we are back in the air and I am literally hanging on by a thread, attempting to hoist myself back into my stirrup, all the while keeping my tiny bathing suit bottoms on, long legs kicking and swinging in the air. The ten-year-old next to me is crying and I am cursing like a sailor. My best friend is trying to help me pull myself together and Starsky and Hutch in the boat are yelling inaudible sounds at me, trying to "learn" me back into my harness, none of their advice being heard or taken into action. And why in the hell is this boat still moving?

After several failed attempts at my regaining composure and more trips back into the water, the two 'gents on board decide to put us out of our misery and (omg, here's an idea!) stop the boat, and let us drop into the water safely and pull us in manually. Apparently, the cable that snapped was the reel-them-in one and instead of just stopping immediately and ending disaster, they really wanted us to get our money's worth and strung out the horror for as long as possible.

We lived. And hopefully got our money back, I honestly have zero recollection of even boarding the boat or coming back on shore I was so shocked and angry.

You know when something tragic happens to people who are doing something they love, like that one armed girl who got attacked by a shark when she was surfing, and she still surfs? Well fuck that.